Edited: I Am Here
by syaoran no hime
Summary: Remake of one of my earliest ET works. Dedicated to ispucian. After Eriol thought he lost Kaho, he lost his desire to live. However, Tomoyo is determined to bring him back: "Eriol-kun, I am here".
1. Default Chapter

Okie-dokie, let's get on with the disclaimers:

The poem here (the one in italics) is by ispucian, one of the readers who enjoyed my work, I Am Here. I wrote this for her, even if I doubt if she would like how I fused her poem here. I'm still contemplating whether it will have lime. BTW, do not confuse this with the original I Am Here. It will remind you of the original plot, but I tried to rework it by slowing the pace of one part of the story. This will be told in Tomoyo's POV, following the poem.

I Am Here --- edited

(for Ispucian ^_^)

I had asked Nakuru to rest already for the night after we had both made sure that Eriol Hiiragizawa was already sleeping. He had another one of his nightmares about his accident that he thought had claimed his girlfriend's life. If he only knew…

I smoothed his bangs, sighing. Ah, complications. Had I only told him earlier about the real circumstances- that he mustn't feel guilty about Mizuki Kaho, I wouldn't have to see him personally go through these psychological tortures.

Awhile ago, as I watched him cry out for me not to leave him, I had to bit back those tears threatening to spill on my cheeks. Instead, I made myself promise him to never leave his side…to be always here with him. It was the only words that came into my mind that could pacify him. I knew that, because I once felt that way too.

_I know how hard it is_

To lose someone you love… 

My heart went out to the peacefully slumbering man resting on my lap. I hated the thought that those unwarranted nightmares would ruin his sleep. He didn't deserve this cruelty. He may seem like a big and mature man already, but I was sure that the heart within him remained the heart of an eleven-year-old boy, easily shattered, even if he tries to mask it with coldness. And I wanted to protect that heart, that small, fragile heart. But what could I do? A stranger in his life like me can only do so much. Yes, I may help him walk again and help him continue his normal existence. But what about continuing his normal life?

It was beyond my capability already…the power to forgive himself.

_You cry from the depths of your heart_

_Thinking you could've protected her_

_You blame yourself of her death_

Crying bitterly from the shadows of her past 

I recalled how, for the past few days, he had tried to push me away, snapping at me at every opportunity, and then return to his dormancy, maintaining that punishing silence. He had refused all my attempts to try to bridge our gap. He was stubbornly clinging to her memories…the memories of the woman he thought he killed.

"Ne, Eriol-kun, you reject everyone…you don't want anyone but her," I said softly, stroking his cheek. "And if only I have the power to do that, I surely would have done that. But not everything we want is given, because sometimes, what we want are what we don't need." I sighed. "Kaho-sensei is too afraid to fight for your love, and in the end, you wouldn't have been happy anyway, right?"

I leaned on the wall and shut my eyes. "But still, it is her name you cry out before you sleep, while you sleep, and when you wake out of it. Eriol-kun, you're hopeless."

I smiled sardonically. "And yet knowing these things, I still insist to try to fill in her shoes, eh? I guess we both are hopeless." I didn't bother anymore to dissect the reason for my own hopelessness that I wouldn't resolve even if I was mentally capable; put that down on the sin of omission.

I looked at my watch and sighed. It was time for me to retire to my own bedroom. I carefully lifted his head, but it only woke him up.

"Don't…" he murmured. "Stay."

"Eriol-kun," I said gently. "I need to sleep."

"Please," he whispered hoarsely.

I froze indecisively.

_That night you said,_

_' I don't want to be alone anymore. '_

_At last you realized that you needed someone._

Someone not Mizuki Kaho.

I touched his cheek and smiled. "OK."

He smiled lazily up at me, then sat up, hair disheveled.

"Do you need something, Eriol-kun?" I asked.

He wordlessly took both of my hands and clasped them with his. He slowly placed them on either side of his head, then leaned his head on my shoulders.

"Eriol….kun?"

"You feel nice and warm," he said huskily. "Please hold me close. Please keep me warm."

I nodded and hugged him closer. He held on me as if I was his lifesaver, his grip painfully tight, but I didn't complain. If this would lessen his pain…I would numb my senses and not feel my own pain.

After awhile, he looked up. "Don't…don't leave me, Tomoyo."

I nodded, a little stunned when he called me by my first name. "I won't. I'm yours."

That night you asked me to stay 

_I did what you asked_

_I told you, ' I am here,_

_You won't be alone anymore.'_

"Mine," he agreed before leaning close towards me and planting a feathery-light kiss on my lips. I was caught by surprise, my mouth open in shock. He freely penetrated my lips, probing its corners teasingly, tasting its virgin sweetness.

I trembled when I felt that he was insatiate; his hands found their way to my cheekbones and pulled me closer to him. His kiss had turned slowly more passionate and demanding, bolder and more fierce.

I wanted to pull back; he might be imagining Kaho-sensei as me! But his passion was throwing the remaining wits within me left and right. His kiss was sending my everything to an exhilarating spin.

He pulled back abruptly, panting. "I want you…I want you badly…I want to make love to you right here right now…" He took my hands to his hammering chest. "See what you did to me?"

I felt my cheeks flush. I got up shakily. "I'm sorry…"

This only prompted him to mutter profanities. "I shouldn't be doing this," he said, and now I was sure that he was fully awake. "I…I abused your weakness…"

I winced at what he said. "D-Don't worry," I said, trying to remain cheerfully unaffected. "Nothing will change between us. Tomorrow, we'll forget about it."

"Tomoyo…" He was starting to say something when I shook my head. 

"Don't say anything more. It's alright. You weren't in a normal state of mind."

"And you?" he asked.

I ignored him. "Oyasumi nasai, Eriol-kun. I'll see you in the morning."

I put down the letter that Kaho sent me weeks ago.  She had informed me that Eriol Hiiragizawa would be coming back to Japan to recuperate from the injuries he incurred in the accident that he thought he caused. He was driving Kaho home from the university when the car lost its brakes. It spun a full one eighty degree before slamming on a concrete wall, making the engine explode. The doctors told Eriol that Kaho didn't make it. These doctors were paid to tell him that, although she was still alive. I guess she was desperate to break their relationship after all, but she didn't want him to hurt it much, so she made up her own death.

It had been some three weeks since I welcomed Eriol –then bounded by his wheelchair- in the airport. He was clearly devastated when he thought he killed Kaho, and he didn't even want to try to live normally again, anguished by the thought that he caused someone's death.

But no, I was determined to see him walk again. Walk, talk, and laugh, just as how I remembered him before when he teases Li Syaoran-kun or he chats with Yamazaki-kun back in fifth grade.

I know it was asking for the impossible, considering how we never had been close. The only intimate contact we had was what happened in his room last night…and that was only because he needed someone to comfort him.

_Some comfort I gave him._

"Ohayou, Mistress Tomoyo!" greeted Nakuru cheerfully.

"Ohayou, Nakuru," I greeted back, keeping the letter in my pocket. "Is Eriol-kun up already?"

"How should I know? I wasn't the one up in his room all night," said Nakuru, shrugging.

I felt myself flame. "Iie…"

"Hmm?"

"I went back to my room," I choked out.

"Of course you did," said Nakuru, surprised. "I was talking about Suppi. Suppi came upstairs to check on Master Eriol."

"Suppi?" I sighed, relieved. I thought Nakuru knew about what transpired between me and Eriol-kun last night.

Nakuru was still blissfully oblivious. "Anyway, why do you ask?"

"I was wondering if he would want his breakfast taken upstairs," I replied.

"Hmm, I think that would be great," said the moon servant, grinning.

Just then, the maid came in. "Miss Daidouji, a certain man who says he's Mister Hiiragizawa's therapist is here."

I nodded. "Let him in."

"So the session is fixed," I said in my business-like tone. The young man before me nodded; his eyes glued on me. I was used to these kinds of gazes; I was first uncomfortable with these kinds of stares, but later on, I had grown used to it.

The therapist smiled and shook my hand. "I will start our session tomorrow, Ms. Daidouji."

"Yes. Your session with Hiiragizawa-kun," I said somewhat pointedly.

"Of course," he smiled some more.

"And whoever said that I need a therapist?"

Both the guest and I turned around and saw Eriol being wheeled down the stairs dutifully by Nakuru.

"Hiiragizawa-kun," I said quietly. "I'm sorry, but I insist that you go on with the motor recovery your physician suggested. The doctor says you still have a great chance to-"

"I DO NOT GIVE A DAMN ABOUT WHAT THE DOCTOR SAYS!" he bellowed. "Get that damn person away from me, do you hear me? I will not walk!"

I excused myself from our guest and motioned Nakuru to walk the therapist out of the house. Soon, it was just the two of us in the living room. He was glaring at me lethally.

I exhaled audibly and knelt down before him so we could be face to face. "You will walk, Eriol-kun. You will walk again whether you like it or not."

His azure eyes roared in contempt. "You have no right to tell me what to do. You're no one special in my life. And if you really think that you can take Kaho's place as you told me when I arrived here, well, you're damn wrong, lady."

"I will not take anyone's place," I said. "And come to think of it, you're no one special in my life too. A selfish eleven year old brat trapped in the body of an eighteen year old handicapped body. Why should I bother to waste my time with you?"

"You tell me."

"Because I promised you something, Eriol-kun," I said softly. "That you wouldn't be alone anymore. That I will be here."

He froze.

"Eriol-kun, Mizuki-sensei is gone, but you're not, and that's a whole world of difference between you two. You still have so much to live for," I said, my voice softening. "There's Nakuru and Suppi, Sakura and Li, and me. We still want you with us."

He wheeled back and away from me. "I don't need anyone. I don't need you."

"You asked me to stay last night," I said in my last-ditch effort for him to listen.

He froze. "I was hysterical."

"Hysterical, huh?" I marched towards him and cupped his face with my hands. "For pete's sake, Eriol Hiiragizawa, may I remind you that last night, you kissed me hungrily. And even before that kiss, you were perfectly calm when you told me not to go yet. Now tell me whether THAT is hysterical!"

He pushed my hand away. "It was cold last night, and I needed something warm. Coincidentally, it was you by my side, so…"

Silence.

"I see," I said quietly, getting up. "And since you won't change your mind about that, I'm afraid I won't change my mind about the therapist too. Good day, Eriol-kun."

**tsuzuku**


	2. 2

***back to the 3rd person POV; for the flashback, refer to Tag-Ulan Na Naman, a separate oneshot here in FF.net***

The therapist and Tomoyo were talking in the living room the next morning when Eriol wheeled down the ramp built beside the stairs. "Nakuru, my coffee—" He froze when he saw the guest in the receiving room.

Tomoyo smiled at him just as the man beside her stood up respectfully.

"Daichi Miyouke, this is Hiiragizawa Eriol, the patient," she introduced. "Hiiragizawa-kun, this is your therapist, Miyouke-san. He graduated last year from the University of—"

"My coffee," he said grimly. "I want my coffee."

"Certainly, Hiiragizawa-kun," she sad courteously. "Anyway, he will be starting the therapy session with you today and—"

"WHERE THE HELL IS MY COFFEE?!!!" he barked, making the therapist flinch.

Tomoyo, however, was undaunted. "—you will have your coffee right after you shake hands with your therapist."

His eyes crinkled in anger. "Damn you!" He turned his wheelchair around and pushed himself out of the room furiously.

"I have a feeling that what was really impaired in him weren't really his legs, but his heart," said Daichi thoughtfully.

"I know." Her delicate features softened. "But what can I do? I want to see him walk again."

"Is he…is he your husband?" the man asked uncertainly.

"No." She sighed. "An old friend back in elementary. Someone asked me to nurse him back to health."

"What a caring friend you make." She could feel the malice in his voice. She shrugged.

"Well, in that case, maybe we can be…friends?" he offered her his hand. "Companionship is therapeutic too."

"Of course, Miyouke-san," she said, giving him an impersonal smile. "But the one you must try to befriend is Hiiragizawa-kun. He is the one who needs your help after all." She looked at her wristwatch, then smiled at him. "This way to the exercise room. I had the men set up the equipment yesterday, just as you asked."

He flashed her a grin. "Thank you."

Tomoyo found Eriol in the kitchen, sipping his strong black coffee. Apparently, he had the initiative to make his own drink when he realized that Nakuru wasn't around.

"It's time for your session," she informed him.

He didn't reply, nor acknowledged her presence at all.

She sighed audibly. "Don't be difficult, Hiiragizawa-kun."

"Just leave me alone," came the curt reply from him.

She walked towards the table and pulled a seat that was directly in front of him. She stared at him in the eye and spoke, "I will not stop pestering you unless you agree to let me wheel you to the exercise room."

He laughed humorlessly. "You think I care? I can ignore you, and you can waste your breath talking to me, but I won't go."

"OK, how about if I strike a deal with you. I'll give you anything, just as long as you promise to go to those therapy sessions," she found herself saying.

His brow rose, somewhat intrigued. "Anything?"

She nodded. "As long as it's not impossible."

He smirked. "Deal me."

She was a little taken aback, and she searched her mind for things that a Clow reincarnation could possibly want from life when he had power, knowledge, and even money.

Then it struck her.

"Me," she said simply.

His forehead creased.

"I offer myself to you," she said. "And once you are able to recover your motor skills, you are free to do whatever you wish to do to me."

"Sex," he said slowly. "Is that what you mean?"

She felt herself wince with his brutal outspokenness. "Something to that effect."

He laughed, once again, humorless. It was insulting even. "Tempting offer, but will you enlighten me as to why you want to go that extent just to see me walk again?"

"I don't see whether that should still be your business," she said coldly. "But I do know for a fact that the first night you stayed here, when you seduced me into kissing you, you yourself said that you want me badly."

His eyes burned in fury. "Damn you!"

She got up, her eyes still on him. "Yes, damn me, but damn you too, because I know you know that what I said is true."

He sneered. "Yes, it's a fact. You're a beautiful thing, Daidouji Tomoyo. I've always known that." His mouth clamped shut.

Tomoyo fell silent too, not knowing how to react.

"You got me," he said finally. "Alright, for the meantime, I'll let you manipulate me, woman, but I'm telling you…you'll pay dearly for this." His azure orbs roared in angry flames. "Dearly."

She was a little frightened by his intensity, but she struggled to look composed. "I am ready."

He turned around and pushed his wheelchair towards the exercise room. Right after he left, she collapsed weakly on the chair.

_Good Lord, what have I just gotten myself into?_

She viewed the two men from the clear glass paneling. It had been three weeks since that fateful incident in the kitchen, and the air between her and the wheelchair-bound man was always electrified by tension. His eyes always mockingly remind her of what she did just to see him try to regain his motor skills.

She herself had wondered for countless nights why she did that, but every time she thinks of that night when Eriol Hiiragizawa asked her not to leave him alone, she had vowed to herself to take care of him and protect him.

He was an ice…an impenetrable block of blazing ice.

But she cared for him deeply. Deeply.

Ever since that fateful day he rescued her amidst the rain back when she was eleven, she hadn't forgotten him.

But he didn't need to know that of course.

She laughed sardonically. When she received the wedding invitation a month ago, she felt that heaven and earth plunged down on her. She was too numb to cry though, and had contented herself to walking down the rain, reminiscing.

But when she had never expected it, destiny managed to make their paths cross again, but now, with inverted circumstances.

She, then the damsel in distress, was now the one to rescue the disillusioned knight in shining armor from drowning himself in the rain.

That afternoon, Tomoyo fed Eriol the chicken broth Nakuru made for dinner.

"Miyouke-san said that you were making good progress," she said as she blew on the soup delicately.

He shrugged. "I have one damn good motivation."

This made her blush. As days passed, she had been hoping that somehow, Eriol would start to forget about the words she put down, mostly said out of the heat of the moment.

"That's good," she said, attempting to save face.

"You've changed," he said out of the blue.

She spooned the soup to him. "So did you."

"Yeah, I guess." He leaned on the headboard. "Many things had happened…"

"It's alright." Out of instinct, she touched his hand tenderly.

He turned to her, surprised. She gave him an uncertain smile. "Hiiragizawa-kun, we are…victims of circumstances," she decided to say. "You mustn't blame yourself wholly. There are just things that out of our control."

"But I'm supposed to be…the reincarnation of Clow Reed." And for the first time since he arrived in Tomoeda again, she found him opening up his emotions he had bottled. "I wasn't…even able to save the woman I love…"

She winced, but decided to not comment.

"When I lost her, I felt like I lost a part of me too. I don't think I want to live anymore," he continued.

"Hiiragizawa-kun, for an all-powerful mage, you can be pretty dumb," she said.

"What do you mean?" he snapped.

"I thought Uncle Fujitaka have a part of himself in you. Why couldn't you understand the notion of moving on?" she snapped back. "Aunt Nadeshiko died, but he lived on, because he knows Sakura-chan and Touya still needs him. He can't afford to leave them!"

Eriol clenched his fists. "And me, I don't have anyone else? Why should I live?"

"Hell, Hiiragizawa Eriol, you will live because you want to f—k me!" she screamed in an outburst.

He froze, astounded. Never in his wildest dreams had he even thought of Tomoyo Daidouji, _the_ Tomoyo Daidouji, saying that.

But when she puts it that way…

"You're not alone, when can you ever let that penetrate your thick skull, Hiiragizawa?" she said, calming down. "I am here."

Slowly, he relaxed into a grin. "Thanks."

She laughed, relieved. "Walk again, that is all I ask of you. Walk and live and smile like that again, then you'll make the people around you happy."

Confusion filled his handsome face. "But why do you care so much about me? Why do you have to offer yourself to me?"

"Idiot." She smiled at him fondly before planting a kiss on his forehead. "Rest. You still have another bunch of walk trainings to do."

He didn't insist anymore on the questions. He was fatigued by the exercises too. He allowed her to wheel him into his room already, where Nakuru and Spinel were waiting for him.

**tsuzuku**


End file.
